Hurry Up and Wait!

I hear that this is the lifestyle that many missionaries experience: Hurry Up and Wait.

They hurry to get in line at a bank in Africa only to find out it takes waiting most of the day and they will have to come back the next day to start all over. They hurry up to get trained before heading to the field for their first term and then wait for funds to come in. They wait for medical issues to clear up and then hurry to get visas and then wait at airports for their visas and passports to arrive by fed-ex before rushing to their flight only to sit for 9 hours and then wait for a connection for another 8 hour flight. I've been told this by other missionaries and have only experienced some firsthand.

Right now, we are rushing to get visas and paperwork for international health insurance set up in order to get on those long kind of flights in a few weeks. It's sort of surreal that this is finally happening. I am still prepared for some delay to come, but hopeful that we are in the home stretch of just getting to the field. I've been called since I was 14. If there is another delay, I can wait, but today I am hopeful that my life's calling will actually become tangible. I have been working to get to the field (mind you, I lived in France for a year and that was a mission!) and each step has been a part of this calling. I've come to grips with the fact that each step is a journey. It all comes down to how He called me, "I want you to BE a missionary." He didn't say, "I want you to DO missions." This hurry up and wait is a grand part of being a missionary in which I learn another fruit of the spirit: Patience.

Lots of work to do in the next few weeks. Not sure if I will get to blog again before we get to the field, so the next time I write, I might be writing from African soil !!
Something we've been looking forward to for a LONG time. 

Looking forward (photo credits?? sorry)

PS - New donation address as of  Sept. 2012
Brollier
c/o Judy Trollinger
1384 Meadow Springs Dr.
Lilburn, GA 30047 USA 
(Judy's email address coming soon.) Our email will stay the same, but we will end up with limited web access.

Thanks for all your prayers and gifts! This is only possible through God's and your help.
Donations can be given Online as well: see the yellow donate button on the left.

Change & Coping

I feel like a different me than when I set out a year ago.

The New me. The good with the bad and getting through big things.

What have I accomplished?
I've lived in another culture for a year.
I've learned a language.
I've helped my kids navigate public school relationships in another language and culture.
I've worshiped our Father in another language and shared about Him too.
I've traveled entirely too much.
I've dealt with chronic back pain and fatigue.
I've grieved lost time with my dad, knowing he might die of cancer.
I've dealt with stress.
I've had my ups and my downs.
I've become much more introverted - weird. (Those of you who knew me before might not believe this possible, but I've realized the benefit and the joy that comes from holding my tongue! It's so energizing to not be the center of attention now.)
I've become more appreciative. Really.
I've changed - too much to note each detail, but it's there, and I can feel it and maybe you can see it too - or maybe you can't.

Everyone asks how my trip was - unless they understand it was not a trip but my life for a year. (It's ok, really. I like sharing. I get it.)

I came home from France and waded through my thoughts and emotions of transitioning from my home culture of a year to my changed home culture in the States.


Life in the great USA is still great, but it is different.
I can't explain to you why, but I'll try.:
Maybe it's the busy that people hold as more important than time with family and friends.
Maybe it's that people are willing to check out from society by putting in their ear buds.

Maybe it's the technology. Everyone checking their $200 phones (or in my case a borrowed flip-phone - I have to adapt to culture even a bit, don't I? or my borrowed iTouch.)

Side Note:
I had to laugh at the fact that when I was visiting my family we were all playing a game against each other on our devices while we were in the same room! We were playing games just like we used to only this time it was without pencil and paper and it was called  "Draw Something" instead of Pictionary. (I thought this was fine since we had all thoroughly connected verbally for days as we visited Dad in Hospice and consoled each other - so we got our "Face Time" in *wink*).

Life here in the US is just faster, and I am amazed at how much we eat here in such little time.
In France, we ate well, but it was over many hours - not a marathon Thanksgiving stuff your face kind of meal, but a little of this and a lot of conversation. (Don't get me wrong - I love Thanksgiving!)
Here we also would grab a meal on the run and eat it in the car - why?? It's so much messier that way and a lot less enjoyable.
I miss walking and biking everywhere in France. Do people do that here? I find things are way too far away to make that work well. How dependent we are on fuel.

Anyway, life is different for me since my experiences have increased.  
Life is different for me now that my dad is gone. (I'm so thankful we were able to be with him before he passed away).

I've dealt with just a little bit of what my mom went through as my father's caregiver. I was able to help out for a few days as his sole caregiver while she was working, and I did not envy my mom's job of his full-time caregiver. For those of you out there who deal with that on a daily basis. I understand you. You are not alone. I felt so alone and lost trying to do what was best for dad in my human strength. When we're tired and worn, we sometimes forget to look to the One who cares for us.

1Peter 5:7 : Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 

I know I forgot to do that at times. If you are trying to cope with giving your all for your loved one, I encourage you to find someone to talk and cry with (Thanks Brent!). A friend, a caregivers' support group, a church cell group.  It helps. 

It's hard to see your loved one fail. To see their health decline and their mind go - to see time shift and slip from their reach while your life keeps blurring by. (I encourage you to look into respite care at a Hospice house if your loved one has a terminal disease and  care-giving gets to be too much.) It doesn't make you love them any less if you get help. 

I had to get creative with how I processed all that was going on. 

I needed to be alone a lot more.
I needed quiet. 
I needed to veg out in front of the TV so that I wouldn't dwell on it and hyperventilate. (I have had panic attacks over the past year - gee I wonder why!) My dad's life was slipping away - his skin could not keep his soul in his body any longer. 
I needed to cry. I still do.
I needed to draw again. 
Oddly enough I did not want to be with friends or talk on the phone about it. I was avoiding processing that part with anyone other than my family members (it was just to much to explain over and over.)
I needed to be with my kids sometimes and pour into them to fill the lack that I know the years ahead will hold. They are grieving too.

It's weird to think that I fit into a category now: 
Fatherless. 
I'm 32 and I no longer have a dad. My mom is a widow. 
When does this sort of thing happen? 
You never see it coming even when you have a year and a half to prepare after prognosis. 

Deut. 10:17-18 : 17For the Lord your God is God of gods and Lord of lords, the great God, mighty and awesome, who shows no partiality and accepts no bribes. 18He defends the cause of the fatherless and the widow, and loves the alien, giving him food and clothing.  

It's nice to know we will be taken care of.

I'm getting to the place where I understand the beauty of a life after this one.  Life everlasting is the HOPE that I can cling to when life on this earth gets me down. I'm so thankful that it is available to me and to you.

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. ¹⁷ For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.  (From John 3:16-17)

This Easter, I received a little gift from our Father.

I had a vision while I was wide awake. In my mind's eye I could see my dad. 

In this vision, he looked like himself but had the disposition of a little child. He was standing next to Jesus and he asked, "Hey, do those holes in your hands and feet still hurt?" Jesus told him, "Not anymore. They are scars of joy now." Then he hugged my dad and my dad grinned the most contented grin I have never seen him have in his entire life (and my dad laughed a lot!). What a treasure that I will always cherish: to know that there is joy and release from pain and sorrow waiting for those of us who trust in Him when we walk from life into eternity. 

This is how I cope.

Jan. 2012 Departure & Re-entry.

As promised... here is the story of our departure from France and our re-entry into live in the States as we used to know it a year ago. Enjoy!

OK, so after a year in France, we packed up our apartment. We knew this day might come.

I had a mondo sized checklist for keeping things straight.

We got rid of almost everything (except 11 bags that we brought with us - 11 sounds like a lot except when it's a years worth of stuff or all you own). It was a whirlwind sort of experience trying to empty an apartment that had been passed on from student family to student family (at least 4 that we've been told of). Imagine trying to close out internet accounts in another language when you are not the name on the account - the original person had just passed it on from one resident to the next to make payment easier. Hmmph! It was easier to pay but harder to close the account. It's still open, btw. We're far across the pond & the internet service provider told us to just close our bank account instead. OK?? It worked. It's done. Check. (Did you know you have to save French check stubs for 10 years for tax purposes?)

Another thing on the to-do list... AT. THE. SAME. TIME....We also were ordering supplies online in France to set up house in Africa and get them shipped to the container (in the Mid-West of the USA) so they could be shipped to West Africa. *sigh*
I'd like to get a button to push that speaks to me in that computer generated voice: "That WASN'T easy!" You know, similar to the one that STAPLES puts out that calmly tells you "That was easy." I don't need my button to yell or even strain it's voice. It just needs to calmly state: "That wasn't easy." and then I can move on. So yes, we packed for Africa across the continents. It's done-ish. *wink* Check. And just so you know, if you plan to make a lot of purchases online from another country on Black Friday, the credit card sompanies will put a hold on your account!

Oh, and another thing we did all at the same time as these other busy checklist items were being tended to, was to start scheduling speaking engagements and lodging and vehicle borrowing for our future (now current) time in the States.

For a while my conversations with Brent would go something like this:

Have a place to stay for the first few weeks in TX?
Check.
Do you know where it is?
No.
OK. Fine.
Have a place for the next month in FL?
Yes.
Know where that one is?
Yes.
Good.
How about the month of March?
No. Not set up yet. No idea what we're going to do in NY. 
Hmm. OK.

So none-the-less, our check list for departure from France was ticked off with these three main events getting checked off simultaneously:

1. Empty Apartment.
2. Pack for Africa.
3. Schedule for Stateside.

It really helped us learn to plan and organize things down to the tiniest detail. Not my forté, but I learned how to do it better than I ever had before.
Thank the Lord!

So then we had a great trip planned to get us back to the States: We'd leave our apt and stay with French friends for 2-3 days and then take a bus to Lyon, stay the night in a hotel, shuttle in the morning to the airport and just have one layover in London before arriving in Texas. Doesn't sound as stressful as our trip that brought us to France a year ago, does it?

Well, all went well except...
I started with some stomach bug while staying at our French friends' house. Not a gross kind, just a painful kind that won't let you sleep well. Not too bad. Then Ethan got it. He only puked once. Then we got to the hotel with no problem. I couldn't sleep. Since moving to France was rough on me, I've struggled with travel anxiety a bit. Only slept 2 hours before we got up at 4am to get to the airport. Flew to London fine. Started feeling weak in the airport. Got that really twirly feeling. Thought I'd pass out. Made sure to get my low-blood sugar back to normal by eating something. Still had to have Brent take me to the plane in a wheelchair. It was embarrassing. I'm an otherwise healthy woman who gets bouts of low-blood sugar, but this time I was worn down from a stomach bug and exhaustion. The flight was great. I was comfortably settled in and Brent had taken care of the kids, and bags and everything! Then he sat with the kids while I had my own seat by the bulk-head (leg room! for the tall sickie).

Can I just say here, Don't I have a great guy?!? Wow. Way to step it up, honey. Thank- you.

Claire threw up in the airplane bathroom. Then she slept the rest of the flight. Ethan & Brent watched movies and tried to sleep. (Brent got the stomach bug a few days after we got back to TX. Thought I'd have to preach for him that Sunday, but he was ok.)

Back to the plane. I normally get motion sick, but because of my stomach thing I was taking meds for my tummy and couldn't take dramamine. So the ride got bumpy at the end and I felt nauseous - didn't toss my cookies though - Score! Then because of the wind, our double-decker big plane slammed down. EEK! Everyone thought we had crashed. We were fine. Well. most of us. We were the last ones off the plane since I felt like I was going to pass out and vomit all at once. EMT people came to take care of me while the kids checked out the cockpit (since it's a bit scarey for the kids to see mommy in an oxygen mask). I was able to walk off the plane with help and then I got wheeled around the massive 100+ person line for customs (my family got to join me!). Thank you, Lord! Only to get stuck in the line for agriculture since we had to declare a French orange, of all things. Thankfully this line was only 5 people long since they scanned all our bags again. Then we had lovely PBT people waiting for us to pick us up. He didn't even ask why I was in a wheelchair. We told him, but it was nice not to be asked. Then we ate some dinner at the house here and went to bed by 7pm (2am France time- I think.) It really takes 24 hours for each time zone you've crossed to get adjusted and not have jet lag any more. I really think it's like working night shift, you can change your schedule but in the end you feel like years have been sucked off your life. Jet-lag stinks! But we survived that too. Our heavenly Father was really with us through it all.

Then the good part began. Getting to see friends we haven't seen in a year. Having to use a calendar to book times with people because so many wanted to see us, meet with us. Not to mention physicals and dental appointments too. Busy time! Note to self: Next time plan more time in the Texas area. Three weeks is not enough!

Oh, now for my favorite part of re-entry:
We got to go to church in ENGLISH for the first time in a year- yay!  We had the opportunity to share with churches about our time in France.

Here are some highlights we shared:

- Shared the "good news" with a friend from India. Told about our Father's power of healing and being led by dreams. My friend wants to get a copy of "The Good Book."
- Gave a Chinese copy of "The Good Book" to a follower so he could read in his own language. (He only had a few pages before).
- Shared with an Austrian atheist lady why "The Good Book" is alive & important to me.
- Talked to the Father about a French sister being plagued by nightmares for 2 years. She was delivered!
- Taught a French Sunday class of 7-11 year olds  about work on the field & fed them an African dish.

We were so blessed this past year & it was a blessing to share that with so many people in Texas. It's a little odd to be back to American ways and speaking in English. It feels good. It feels sad. We miss our friends and life in France. It wasn't a vacation. It was work and everyday life. It was good. We're so thankful for those who made it possible. Now just to raise funds for a vehicle so we can work in West Africa. In the mean time I'll be telling stories about what He's done & catching up on all the bowls of Cheerios with good milk & all the Mexican food we've missed.

Next stop: Florida for a month. Going to see family! Yay! Hang out with my dad who's fighting cancer (see first blog entries) and share at churches.  Not a bad re-entry. Weird and parts of it I would not like to repeat. All in all not bad.

Another French list

 Different things Laura's seen in France:

• mail man delivers mail by bicycle
• people say au revoir to the bus driver when they get off the bus.
• tiny refrigerators  (most without freezers)
• trees whose bark looks splotched (like an impressionist would paint)
• eggs & milk that don't need to be refrigerated until opened
• more kinds of pork than we know what to do with - seriously!
• a small pack of sliced sandwich meat: chicken (4 per pkg is the only way to buy it)
• no mac N cheese in a box of any kind
• the man purse!
• men wearing scarves - not so odd when it's cold - odd when it's not

Surprizes about France

 Here's another list of things I found in France. Some good, some bad, some just normal now though they used to seem odd. Hope you enjoy this look at my little coin (corner) of France :

• Classy older ladies carry natural wood, wicker baskets to the market and the supermarket.

• Live birds (and dead ones too) at the market. Not to mention bunnies on the menu. (But go figure this is the country that eats frogs' legs - haven't tried them yet).  

• In 9 months of living here, I've seen two men wearing berets (stereotypical French hat). They are not common here. Someone actually told me they are from Belgium (where they speak some French too).

• There are not many easy options for donating gently used goods/furniture, so people often set their donations to the side of the recycling and other people pick them up and put them to good use.

• It's hard to find larger size shoes, plus sized (larger than an American 12) clothing, and tall clothes in general. Surprised to find tall clothes and plus sized (larger than my size) at Kiabi - for decent prices!

• Old ladies in bikinis, flab, wrinkles and all. Funny. No one-pieces except mine.

• Dog droppings everywhere - especially on the sidewalk! Je deteste la crotte! (I detest the droppings!)

• Caring French people. It's a stereotype that French people are cold. They are actually pretty kind and once you get to know them they are very sweet and caring.

• French friends. Being able to connect in another language. Laughter, tears, and all.

• Over 365 types of cheese. Mmm! (Some not pasteurized either - didn't know, haven't gotten sick or died yet.) 

• Intricate apple or pear tart at small group. French church's small group gathering in our home. Fun times in French!

• Christians, even non-Catholics, drink wine for communion and with each dinner meal. C'est normal! (It's normal!) Have only seen a drunk on the street though (homeless). Makes you think - in general it seems they do not drink to get drunk here. 

• People smoking everywhere. More in this city than I would expect than in a small city in the States. Even saw some people rolling up old fashioned tabaco cigarettes. Made me feel like I was living in a different era.

• People say Bonjour!  to the bus driver when they get on & then  Merci, Au revoir!  when they get off the bus. I kinda like this level of politesse (politeness).

• KFC in France! Instead of the typical sides (mashed potatoes, green beans, biscuits) you get fries and you could get a lemon tart for dessert. A lemon tart at KFC!!

• People are fashionable. Nice shoes too. It's neat to see what they come up with to look good.

• English songs in stores (including uncensored ones). Songs a few months to a year behind the States. (Same thing with French dubbed US movies).

• Styles from the 80's in the US making their way here. Makes me smile. Big neon sunglasses. Plaids mix-matched.

• For the first time in my life I've seen people pee outside. Walking along (4 different times) and  I see the back of a grown man and realize: OH! and try to walk quickly past. Is that normal here? *shrugs* More practice for Africa.

• Never realized I would learn so much about my language while trying to learn another. We use certain verbs to explain things that they have specific verbs for and vice-versa. It's amazing.

• There's a grocery store here that has special weeks with products from the featured country. Funny to see what is offered during American week. What is sandwich sauce anyway?

• I love walking and riding my bike here. Who knew exercise could be enjoyable!

Hope you enjoyed my list about the differences I see when I look at France through my cultural glasses. :)

Taffy, anyone?

France is a wonderful place.

Yummy food! I once told Brent I'd move here just for the food. And voila! Here we are.

Oh, and it is gorgeous! Mountains and natural beauty everywhere.
Prettily dressed people too - a la mode. O la la!

Not to mention a beautiful language - it really is romantic and so nice on the ears!

So, yeah, France is GREAT!



I expect Africa to be hard.  
Sometimes... I really don't want to go - there I said it.

No running water, no electricity unless we make our own solar electric. No church among "our" people group. Hard life yet to come, perhaps? Can count on it.

This is what a local "nice" kitchen looks like in our future African location. That's right, no sink.

When I look at the problems

Instead of His face,

That's when I think Africa will be hard.

So, yeah I expect Africa to be hard at times. It's a bit of a roller coaster for me. Some days I am so excited about finally getting to the mission field. Finally getting to start in ministry that I have been called to since I was 14 years old. Some days, though, I freak out about the unknown... and then there are days when I am totally secure again, able to rest in the grace that God will give for those unknowns. Well, with something as big as Africa in the future, I never quite imagined that a year in France would be hard at all. I mean, come on, it's a first world country right, how hard can that be?!

I never expected for this place to be hard.

France, This grand European land - hard. Ahh, but it is hard at times. Or maybe it's that God is allowing me to be stretched so it's not as hard on me when we get to Africa. Or maybe Africa will be harder but by then I will have learned how to Trust Him.

He purposes what the world means for evil and turns it to good. Believe it. (Talking to myself here, but if it helps you- then great!)

Stretching...  Like taffy.

Oh, I remember this one brand of taffy when I was a kid: Laffy Taffy.
Delightful because it is stretchy and still sweet. I used to play with it a bit (I was a kid after all). You can make just about anything out of something that flexible.

Stretching times give me a choice:

Get hurt, retreat, and become bitter, hard.
Brittle.
Fragile.


OR...

Learn a lesson, keep going, and
Grow by staying soft (flexible)
And sweet... knowing He's there for me through hard times and will gently help me up, hold me in the palm of His hands - LOVE me through it.


I wanna be Taffy.
Help me, Lord. It's not easy.

Things I did not expect about living in France that God might just be using to help me work through Trust issues:

Feeling lost while using public transit - we're talking panic attacks - feeling helpless.

Making hard choices about important things - time away from family while the kids are young.

Time away from dad who is diagnosed with terminal cancer and has heart problems.

Time away from my home church - No easy access to times of refreshment in the Lord (I have to seek Him myself -brilliant! thought I had a handle on that one though). No church here in my heart language. (Hmm. Motivation for working in Africa, but a hard lesson).

Rough times when your child is sick and you don't know the language well. Trying to figure out scarey things on our own (don't worry we're fine).

So, yes, I feel the pain of the stretch. I am tempted to be bitter sometimes and some days when I break down in tears I think about giving up. If I do that who wins?
Then when I realize I can not do it on my own, the strength comes!
All these trials and all those to come will be worth it one day - maybe I'll only see it in eternity, but it will not be in vain.
This is Why I keep on keepin' on. 

There are really awesome things that I didn't expect about my time here too:

Encouragement from unexpected places - Look out for Veggie Tales - they've spoken to me in my time of need more often than I can count (and I've seen these a hundred times before with my kiddos!)

Nice French people who make you feel welcome, befriend you, and work with your inability to speak the language.

Help from strangers while traveling (multiple strangers helping foreigners - only God can orchestrate that!)

Inspiration and encouragement from my hubby when I would have expected him to be disappointed in my lack of faith.

Realizing I'm not alone. Realizing there are believers everywhere - and they glow in dark places. So amazing how bright it seems when we gather together in Christ.


Thanks God, for stretching me a bit. I know you have a plan for even the things the enemy means to use against me. Thanks for Your goodness. Let me remain sweet & stretchy like Taffy. May I never become hard or sour.
Love,
Laura

Traditional French Lunch

We had the opportunity to be invited over for lunch after church by some French friends who have children the same age as ours. It was a delightful day & we were so excited that they extended an invitation to us since they know we do not speak a ton of French yet.

The day was lovely! Traditionally if you are invited for lunch, you should plan on spending the whole afternoon. We read up on what it could be like before we arrived. We made sure to bring a gift since that was recommended. That was interesting to try to figure out. It's recommended that if you bring wine, you bring a good French wine. We're not wine experts so we avoided bringing wine. It's recommended that if you bring flowers you bring an odd number but not 7 or 13, and also certain flowers signify different things and so do their colors. We avoided bringing flowers too. It's safe to bring chocolates, and I was comfortable with the idea of bringing a dessert, though I did not want to show up my hostess if she had prepared one. So we brought fancy chocolate tea cookies (biscuits) and some Disney character chocolate or strawberry filled cakes (reminded me of twinkies) for the kids. Turns out we picked a good thing to bring. They were a hit with the kids and the adults. :-)

So the main idea of a meal is not just good food. In France the idea is to sit and talk and taste and talk some more. It was fabulous! We started at about noon and finished the day with our friends at 6pm. The first course was an apertif, or pre-dinner drink. It was some sort of hard liquor, maybe Vermooth (I don't even know how to spell that!). We sat sipping this strong drink while talking and munching on pistachios and chips (pronounced: sheeps). Then the kids were called in for the meal and we sang & clapped a prayer.
It went something like this (pardon my spelling and lack of accent marks):

Le pain de hier etait dur. (Yesterday's bread is hard.)
Le pain de demain n'est pas cuit. (Tomorrow's bread is not yet cut.)
Merci Pere, pour le pain d'ajourd'hui. (Thank you Father for the bread of today.)

Then they poured water into one cup and wine into another and we all toasted: A votre sante! (To your health.) All French people, including Christians, have wine with meals. It would almost be unheard of to not have wine with a meal. Wine is used for communion and at the potluck meals at church too. It takes some getting used to.

There was a delicious chicken and a special regional potato and cheese dish for the main course followed by bread and three types of cheeses and then a salad (which is traditionally just lettuce with a dijon mustard dressing).  We spent lots of time talking and laughing, and stumbling over our French. It was great and they were so patient. After dessert, strawberries with chantilly cream (whipped cream), we went to the lake. They drove us out to the lake near Chambery simply because they had asked if we had ever been and we had not -what hospitality! The lake was stunning with the Alps in the background. I wish we had brought our camera. It's the largest natural lake in Europe. The weather was perfect and the water was cool. Our kids loved it! When we came back we had icepops. I'm pretty sure the evening would have continued but Claire suddenly started feeling ill (the start to her flu), so we went home. We plan on having our French friends over for an American experience soon. :-)

We were so glad to be able to experience this so that we could prepare a traditional meal kind of like it for our friends who visited from the States.

The In-Between-Places & Clay Pots

Missionaries are human too.

Ok, time for some transparency again. God has been teaching me a lot and I can tell you it has not been fun, in a "oh let's do that again!" sort of way. It has been necessary though.

Here's the transparency part: People always say to me, "Oh wow! You're a missionary! I could never do that! Thanks for doing what so many of us could never do." Well, I think to myself, "Thanks, but I can't do it either!" 

I once took a pottery class. LOVED it because I got to shape new things out of these lumps of nothingness. I got to be all up in there as I formed the clay. I had to smack the clay on the palette and then add water as I kneaded it. Then I had to roll it and punch it. Then when just the right amount of water was in it and it would give to my slightest movement, it was ready for the wheel. Then when it was pliable, I could lovingly raise it into something more. It made me sweat and made my muscles sore as I fought with hard clay, but in the end a piece of me was alive in each pot or cup or bowl that I made. It was such a joy!

Well, now it feels like it's my turn to be that stubborn hard, dry lump of clay- again. Clay that needs to be stretched and smacked and molded and have water added to smooth out my rough bits. His water added to make my heart pliable. I feel like I've been here before. I was once this hard lump of clay that in no way wanted to give my life over to missions. I was a homebody, and frankly - I like my comfort level to be just so. Come on, you know what I mean. So God worked out these rough bits in me when I was about 14, and I was willingly subdued after some persuasion. Every so often He works out some more. My guess is that I am one of those pots that hasn't been fired in the kiln yet. He has multiple purposes for my life if I will remain pliable.

Being pliable - well it hurts. It's pretty nice to just be left alone and not be fashioned into something you're not (yet). It's dizzying to spin on the potter's wheel after you feel you've had the wind knocked out of you. Then again, there comes a point where you close your eyes and let go. You allow His rhythm to sway you. His hands to guide you - to raise you - to what He wants you to be: useful for Him.

Just a disclaimer here:
I do not think that God does things to harm us. I think that He allows the enemy to do things to us to see where our loyalty lies and to see if we will call on Him. We are not robots; He allows us to choose - to love Him. If we choose to dry out... He'll help us work through it.

Now back to transparency:
Being in France is wonderful, but I am unable to fully enjoy it all of the time. I have days where I can breath in the beauty of this gift of time here, and there are other days where I am distracted of the coming future. I enjoy certain comforts here (even though I have no dryer or air conditioning) I still have electricity and running water. I think of what it will be in Africa without those (at least for the starting term).  I tend to worry. I know it's wrong & I am learning to trust more. It's hard to keep from thinking ahead when your "job" (ministry) requires a lot of forward planning. Anyway, no more excuses - simply put, I do worry. My time here in France is often muddied by thoughts of "what if's" especially concerning moving on to Africa. I won't list them all, but I think about raising our children and the possibilities of health issues, isolation, war, hardships...blah blah blah.. the list could go on. This is why people think I'm a little crazy for being a missionary. They could never picture themselves or anyone else trying to do what we hope to set out to do. So I myself have moments of FREAK-OUT. I think how could this possibly work?!? We have such a hard time balancing family and learning language at the same time. How will we learn a third language - one that is unwritten? If I let one little worry slip through my defenses, I feel like the whole dam will burst. And then sometimes it does and that's when God lets in the water.

After my heart has been hardened by self-ish worry, God waters this clay again. That's really what is going on when I have those panic moments where I ask myself, "Do I really want to do this?" I am being self-ish. I've weighed the cost for me if I go, but I've neglected to weigh the cost for others if I don't go. It's selfishness. God is faithful to water this hard clay in the midst of my tears through the pouring out of other useful pots.

Pots like my faithful husband who hugs me and tells me I need to stop focusing on the hardships and look at all the great stories and testimonies from the field.

Pots like my dear friend who called me from the States to water my soul & told me to read James 1:2-3. Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 

She also poured out a little water when she told me you can know that something is really a promise from God if God confirms it and if the enemy won't let you be. 

I begin to breathe and flex in this new space. I've been on the palette a couple times. I've made it to the wheel. Now, I hope to not fall apart while He raises me into His useful vessel, knowing full well that if the vessel tips during the spin, the clay is already soft and can be raised again. :-)

Prov 24:16a ¹⁶ for though the righteous fall seven times, they rise again...

I can look back at the times I've fallen or I can look back at the progress I've made and keep going.

Mini break - trip to Tours and Chateau at Amboise

 Took a few trains (about 6 hours) and went over to Tours to visit with some friends and colleagues. It was a much needed break from class. It was good to visit with friends we haven't seen in a while and to talk with some people who have visited and lived in the West African country we will eventually serve in. It was a good time and our hosts were so gracious. We got to celebrate my (Laura's) birthday too. Nice surprise! We were exhausted after all the running and playing with the kids and doing some touristy things out in the sun, but it was a good exhausted. We had a great time! Here are some of our pics:

Some really cool OLD buildings in Tours, France

Lunch Time for the group

On the way to the Tours Cathedral

The Cathedral in Tours

My new love - stained glass windows!

Some Walking

Brent playing a card game with the kids in the back yard

Entry to the Chateau at Amboise, France

Cool Stained glass at the Tomb of Leonardo De Vinci

Really the Tomb of Leonardo De Vinci

Gardens at the Chateau

My favorite shot of the Chateau - I love flags

Up to the Tower

Cool entry to the Tower

lovely

Here we are in front of part of the Chateau

Time for some lunch

Fun with new friends

Special little Tomb building for Leonardo's resting place

Our host's backyard is an incredible respite spot - lovely roses like this all over!!

lovely back yard

Playing on the play ground in the neighborhood

Quick train trip to Amboise

Looking across the water at the Chateau in the distance

Pretty Spring Things

pretty roses on the way to school

beginning to bloom

Sniff that spring thing, Claire

after slowly rolling down a large hill

The chateau where we had our anniversary picnic on the lawn

Lovely gardens around the chateau

our cute kids on a green spring hill

Pretty flowers and my kiddos all dressed up pretty for Easter church service

More lovely gardens at the chateau

The Roller-Coaster Ride: A little thing called Language Learning

Ok, so I'm finding out a lot about myself through this whole "living in another culture" thing. For one, I am just beginning to understand certain basic things about myself. For example, I need to have more sleep, calm periods of the day, a way to connect with others on a deeper level, good snack foods, time listening to worship music, time to do something artistic, and a connection time with my hubby. (Add all that to a busy day and woah!) Some of these are things that I thought of as superfluous before. Now I am realizing that in order to function properly and to not have frequent moments of flipping-out-insanity, I really need these sorts of things. (OK that was a bit scary to share but feels good to have it off my chest.) Basically, I need a break and these are the things that are restful to me. I also find it AB-SO-LUTE-LY necessary to have a happy home. I am a much happier person when my kids are doing something constructive with their time. :-D *big toothy grin* It's a tough balance to be a mom and a student at the same time in another land, but I see with precision of focus now that my attitude affects my kids' moods.

The old saying rings true, "If momma ain't happy - ain't nobody happy." So I realized this past week that I was getting to my overloaded point in many areas. The kids were going crazy (Ethan is on vacation for 2 weeks and has a ton of energy to burn off at home now). Claire feeds off of Ethan's energy and creates her own.  Brent was beginning to be stressed with home duties while I took on a 5 days/week class load yet again. Language learning classes just happened to break the dam! It's just something that happens with me when I am not understanding the language and I am expected to perform in class. It's happened to me before when I took eight weeks of Thai. It's something that happens to people regularly when they are involved in language learning and cultural adjustment at the same time.

It's called stress.
Mine just happens to materialize in tears.

I broke down crying (mind you, silently) in class. I kept my composure as hot tears streamed down my face. My teacher noticed and talked to me in the hall. I told her it was not anything personal but that I did not understand a thing that she had just spent the past 10 minutes explaining. She had mentioned that we had seen the material the day before - we had not. I was overwhelmed. Silly little pronouns danced on my page as my tears blurred these tiny, yet so important, words. Words that I did not understand but desperately need to know. Turns out I was absent the day the basic pronouns were introduced and now we were learning more. It was confusing and it still is. Not sure I can use them properly on paper and much less so in speech.

It will come. Event...ually.
I will understand at some point.

I think the overwhelming part is that one day we will have to use this language to survive in AFRICA. Oh, yeah, and then learn another language that's not written down yet (yep, that means no books to learn the next language- no alphabet). So if I look at things like that it is mega-overwhelming.

Baby steps, Laura. You can do it.

Phil 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me".

Focus.

Some days are really awesome and I seem to be getting it. French will start to flow out of my mouth like liquid and the people around me don't even hesitate - they seem to understand me. Yay!

Other days it feels like someone shoved a wad of black licorice the size of a golf ball in my mouth and told me to try to express my thoughts without spitting. I like black licorice, but in smaller quantities. And try talking with a mouth full of something you can't chew well! The words just won't come out right.

So there's these ups and downs in trying to speak another language. It's exhilarating and dizzying at the same time. I love it and then other times I get this sickening scared feeling in the pit of my stomach. (I think this is what people feel like when they are on a roller coaster. I've never actually been on one. I get motion sick so it's out of the question, but I've been on a flume ride with a big drop.) Days of success in communicating in French are awesome, like being at the peak of the hill - the top of the ride. *smile*

But look out for the drop!

At least I can expect to climb the next crest at some point until I get off this ride, but wait - I'm not planning on getting off this ride. Will it always be like this? No. At some point way in the future, it seems that I will plateau and not be able to learn any more French. Then it will be time for the next language.

Learning French like this is different than taking a foreign language course in high school or college. I actually have to go out an use what I learn to live here. The only break I get from it is if I am silent (doesn't always work - someone will try to ask you something). Oh, or if I am at home with my family, and still we try to speak in French, read books in French, watch TV in French, answer the phone in French, order pizza in French, go to the doctor in French, and so on... in French.

*SIGH* That felt good to share. It's a bit overwhelming at times to be here. Other times it is incredible! It is certainly nothing like a vacation. If it were I'd really need a vacation from it. It's daily life lived in a foreign land that's not too far removed from my own land though it is foreign to me at times. Keep us in your prayers as we're here, and consider the stretch it will be to be living daily life in a foreign land like Africa because that comes next. At least it is do-able: one day at a time - with the Lord's help. That's all I ask. :-)
Thanks for praying us through the drops.

Easter pics & our French church Siloe (pronounced See-low-way)

Brollier Family 2011 Easter Sunday

Communion - bread and wine like the Last Supper of Jesus (Luke chapter 22)

Praise and Worship

Kid's Sunday School Class

All dressed up with their Easter smiles too!

Our French church - lots of conversations

Claire in pig-tails and a pretty dress

Outside the front church doors where tables were set up for the feast

Church front doors

Lots of yummy dishes including quiches!

Standing in line for food after saying a prayer of thanks.

Lots of good eatin'!

Fun with French speaking friends

More kid fun!

The walk home begins...

Quick shot of the front of the church building

Claire walking home

Stop at the park on the way home for some pics

More of the nice walk home

Ahh... a clear day - nice view on the walk home

Hope you all had a wonderful Resurrection Sunday (Easter) where we remember that Jesus died for all of our sins and rose again on the third day! Hope you enjoy seeing our French Easter Sunday.
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Here's part of Luke 22 mentioned above in the Communion pic:
 ¹⁴ When the hour came, Jesus and his apostles reclined at the table. ¹⁵ And he said to them, “I have eagerly desired to eat this Passover with you before I suffer. ¹⁶ For I tell you, I will not eat it again until it finds fulfillment in the kingdom of God.”
 ¹⁷ After taking the cup, he gave thanks and said, “Take this and divide it among you. ¹⁸ For I tell you I will not drink again of the fruit of the vine until the kingdom of God comes.”
 ¹⁹ And he took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them, saying, “This is my body given for you; do this in remembrance of me.”
 ²⁰ In the same way, after the supper he took the cup, saying, “This cup is the new covenant in my blood, which is poured out for you.